The Love Letter.

15^th February 2014
 

When I first saw Rajeev in the Medieval History lecture, two days into the semester, I had my “Bella saw Edward for the first time in college” moment. Except... except the fact that I wasn’t even close to what Bella looked like. But Rajeev, he oozed perfection. Mr. Fresher. Teacher’s pet. Youngest star on the football team. Quizzer. Object of jealousy for the boys. Flocked by girls. I don’t think he even knew of my existence. Initially, I thought he must be arrogant given the fact that God invested so much time in him. But I was proved wrong the day I bumped into him in the canteen.  I felt my ears go red, when he picked up the fork, said a polite sorry, gave a gentle smile and walked off to a crowd waiting for him. I couldn’t sleep that night. 

Initiating conversation with him was a task in itself because he was hardly alone. I visited the field during his hours of practice. I came early to class to get a seat near him. I chose the same elective course as him though I knew nothing of debating. Needless to mention, I even made it a point to follow him to the canteen praying for another lucky bump. My efforts were in vain till the day I stayed back in class to write an assignment and he came back for the book he had forgotten. 

My head was bent and I didn’t notice him entering. I saw a hand tapping my desk and I looked up to face him. I don’t remember the conversation we had but yes, after exchanging a few words, he took out a few ruled sheets and sat down beside me and we completed our assignment together - “Impact of Renaissance on women”. The topic shall remain etched in my heart forever. At night I sent him a two line text thanking him for that afternoon. He replied. “Thanks for the help too : )  See you tomorrow”. Glee frothed and bubbled inside me. 

The next few weeks passed in happy oblivion. Rajeev and I had a routine. We stayed back after class to discuss the course and other cursory stuff and on most days, we met for an evening snack. I became a part of his group. He became a part of me. I hated clubbing, but couldn’t refuse when one evening he asked me to join them. How could I let go of an opportunity to be near him? What made it even more perfect was that he dropped me home that night. When he pulled up in front of my house, it was nearing 1:30 am. It was dark and the silence echoed. I had my chance. The words were on my lips. I wanted to say it to him. Instead, I smiled, got off the car and waved at him through the window. As he drove away, I cursed myself a million times over.

4^th February 2014. I was sitting on the college porch, searching my bag for some change, when Megha came up to me excitedly saying that there was a rumour about Rajeev dating some second year woman. She asked me if Rajeev had told me anything about it. I nodded in denial and walked off. I felt weirdly uneasy. My eyes scanned the campus for him but to no avail. I headed towards the classroom and found him already seated. Avoiding his glance I took the back seat. I sent him a text asking him to meet me in the parking lot after class. He replied “Sure.. Is everything okay?”. “All fine”, I replied. That was probably the first lecture I didn’t take notes in.

I saw him walking towards me, with that radiant smile of his. Swirling his phone in one hand, he back brushed his hair with the other. I had to do it, I told myself. He leaned on a scooty and looked at me. I went close to him, very close and hugged him, whispering those three words that would curse me from that moment onwards. Seconds later, I found myself staggering. Rajeev had pushed me away. His eyes spelt shock. He wasn’t expecting this. “How could you..” he began and stormed away. Something within me died. Overnight, I became more popular than Rajeev on campus. The staring, the giggling, the clucking, the pointing was plentiful. Thanks to a batch mate who stayed in my residential complex, my infamy spread there as well. My parents showed utmost displeasure at my act of desperation. Days passed. I felt alone. I lost everything in a moment of frankness. Was I so wrong? Was expressing feelings such a crime? Since when did love become so dangerous?

I am sure by now you hate Rajeev, my friends, my parents for subjecting to me such torture. I am sure you would want to reach out to me, support me and give me a touch of reassurance. But wait. Would you? Would you really? After knowing who I am, would you still empathise? I think not. I fought for 18 long years. But now, I give up. I give up trying to be normal. I give up trying to be something I am not.

Karan Sehgal.